The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Wine - Four, I Can't Get The ... Bottle Opened

Sometimes you want a buzz-saw...

Sommelier's bottle opener - the right way (?)

Sommelier's bottle opener in wine wit

Some of you may know me from my wine articles such as “I Love Italian Wine and Food, ” similar French and German series, and my new series “A Wine Lover’s Weekly Review of $10 Wine.” It’s true; I really do love wine and food from Italy, France, Germany, and other countries as well. And who among us can reject a bargain? But I also hate wine and many aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack of knowledge, and no wine cellar. Now I am looking at one of my favorite, should I say unfavorite reasons: I can’t get the … bottle opened.

I have to confess that I am a bit of a klutz. Actually they once held a contest for klutziness and I was eliminated in the qualifying round. The judges muttered something under their breath. I think I heard “Unfair competition” and “Give the others a chance”.

I am the proud owner of a faux silver-plated sommelier’s (wine steward’s) bottle opener. Actually, I had two of these marvelous contraptions, but was lucky enough to misplace one of them. But this dagnabbed contraption just doesn’t work; at least not for me. I have come THIS close to slicing my fingers off, where the word THIS stands for a quarter of a millimeter, or more realistically the size of the dot on this i. So I use a non-professional wine bottle opener that gouges a hole in the cork almost the size of my neighbor’s swimming pool. I’ve actually grown to appreciate a bit of cork in the wine. It gives that “Je ne sais quoi” taste. Don’t even think about getting me to open a Champagne bottle. Our lodgings walls host permanent reminders of each and every one of our Champagne-toasted events. I am waiting for the day that Champagne comes in a drink box.

Non sommelier's bottle opener in wine wit

Non sommelier's bottle opener - the wrong way (?)

Would you believe it, sometime after writing the first draft of this article I managed to break my beautiful little sommelier’s bottle opener? However, as luck would have it the bottle didn’t break. I found an alternate method to open the bottle and savor the wine. (And a little cork.)

Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored shortly: The insomnia, Food problems, Wine snobs, Those smells and those tastes, Those colors, Home brew, One more problem and yes, The Solution.

About the Author

Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but to be honest, he would rather just drink fine Italian or other wine, accompanied by the right foods. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. His wine websites include    and

Visit his website devoted to Italian travel

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